Borowitz: Rafael Palmeiro named White House Spokesman

The Borowitz Report:

[T]he plain-spoken Palmeiro impressed White House staffers in his first press briefing today, jutting his index finger in the faces of reporters and offering no fewer than twenty-seven spirited denials in answer to their questions.

In response to a question about the rising tide of violence in Iraq, Mr. Palmeiro said, "The insurgency in Iraq is not gaining in strength. Not at all. Period."

After a reporter quizzed the former Orioles slugger about the controversy swirling around deputy chief of staff Karl Rove, Mr. Palmeiro replied, "Karl Rove had nothing to do with the leaking of a CIA agent’s identity. Nothing. Nada. Period."