Some days I *do* miss NYC

Nothing Personal

Hobo, standing too close: Don't worry, pretty girl, you ain't got nothing to be scared of. I won't hurt you.

Pretty girl: Oh, I'm not. (smiles) But you should be terrified, 'cause I'll fuck you up.

--14th St

Overheard by: Lucy Lurks

via Overheard in New York, May 5, 2009

I feel strongly that the man with the cat on his head has a point here

And Why Are You Wearing That Silly Human Suit?
Suit to man with cat on his head: Why is there a cat on your head?
Man with cat on his head: Why isn't there a cat on your head, douchebag?

--Union Square

via Overheard in New York, Apr 28, 2009

The Customs guys are real friendly, though

Explains Why You Put International Postage on Everything Outside Of Manhattan

Secretary: What are you doing for Thanksgiving?
Nurse: My husband and I are going to North Carolina to visit his family. Why? What are you doing? Do you want to come with us?
Secretary: No. I can't. I don't have a passport.
Nurse: Uh.

--NYU Cancer Center

Overheard by: Destiny Traphofner

via Overheard in New York, Mar 27, 2009

Hat tip: Tarus

Some days I feel he has a point there

Young teenage boy to friend: Man, I fuckin' hate this job. I'd make more money bein' a drug dealer or somethin'.

Hobo: I used to think the same way as you.

Young teenage boy's friend: So you became a drug dealer and ruined your life?

Hobo: No, I fuckin' went to college and ruined my life.

--1 Train

via Overheard in New York, Mar 5, 2009

A straight shooter with "top management" written all over her

Hyper teenage blonde: Hey, know what I just realized?

20-something blonde sister: Okay, wait. In the interest of saving time, I'm gonna pull my hand back like so before you start talking. Now you can go ahead and say what you wanted to say, but just know that if it's something ignorant or retarded, I'm gonna slap you out of your shoes and right off the sidewalk, and then keep slapping you until we get home. Is whatever you want to say worth it?

(long pause)

Hyper teenage blonde: No?

--Times Square

Overheard by: Really want to know what she was gonna say

via Overheard in New York, Feb 24, 2009

Another member of Captain Sully's fan club

Train conductor: Ladies and gentleman, brace for impact. (pause) Nah...just kidding, I could never pull that shit off. Y'all lucky we underground! Have a safe day.

--A Train

via Overheard in New York

Tough room

...Four or Five Hours After You Report Them
Woman with migraine: Help me! I'm dying! I'm dying!
Triage nurse: Alright ma'am, just calm down and tell me what the problem is.
Woman with migraine: I'm fucking dying, what are you, stupid?
Triage nurse: Well, as soon as you develop some signs or symptoms other than being obnoxious, we'll talk.

--NYU Medical Center ER

Overheard by: Turn their ankles
via Overheard in New York, Jan 25, 2009

Doffing the enrevanche skully (it's COLD outside) to Greg.

Add thick, lightly-salted slices of ripe homegrown tomato and she becomes heaven itself

White-haired man with thick New York accent: She's like a mayonnaise sandwich on Wonder bread.
Younger woman: Ugh, that's awful!

--56th St & 2nd Ave

via Overheard in New York, Jan 11, 2009

Tough crowd

Your Editors Do Not Wish to Get Involved in This

Pilot: We are now arriving in at JFK airport in New York City, home of the Yankees.
Met fan: That's not right...(yelling) What about the Mets?
Pilot: No one cares.
Rest of passengers: (cheering)

--Jet Blue Flight

via Overheard in New York, Oct 25, 2008

Oriented, rather than distracted, by shiny objects

You Can Always Tell the Conductors Who Used to Teach Public School

Train conductor on "drunk train" from Penn Station: To your right, you will see a big shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Port Jeff, get off of this train, and get on that shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Montauk, walk through the big shiny train, until you see an even *bigger* shiny train. The train to Montauk will have not one, but two big shiny levels. That is the train to Montauk. So remember: Port Jeff?
Conductor and herd of drunken fools: Shiny train!
Conductor: Montauk?
Drunken fools: Bigger shiny train! Woooo!

--LIRR, Jamaica Station

Overheard by: Sarah

via Overheard in New York, Sep 28, 2008

(The "drunk train" is the last commuter train leaving Manhattan for whatever your destination might be - Long Island, New Jersey, Connecticut, Westchester.)

A good restaurant

You Guys Are Like the Gay Abbott and Costello

[Heading towards the restaurant "Good".]
Gay guy #1: Where are we going again?
Gay guy #2: It's "Good".
Gay guy #1: What's good?
Gay guy #2: The name of the restaurant we're going to.
Gay guy #1: I asked you what it was.
Gay guy #3: Oh, we are so not doing this...

--The Village

via Overheard in New York, May 10, 2008

(Good is a neighborhood place around the corner from us... and it really is. Good, I mean.)

Knowledge that you can use

Tomorrow --Wood-Chippers and Car Trunks!

Student: So how can we use this information to our advantage?
Professor: Well, if you were ever going to kill someone you would want to bury them in wet ground.
Student: Like a swamp?
Professor, with evil grin: A swamp would be ideal.

--Electromagnetics Lecture, Columbia University

via Overheard in New York, Apr 26, 2008

A hell of a town

Which Speaker You Find More Annoying Says a Lot About You as a Person
Environmentalist with clipboard: Excuse me, do you have a minute to help save the environment?
Woman in suit: I'm sorry, I already saved the children this morning and then told the Democratic Party to go fuck themselves three blocks ago, so no, I don't have time to save the environment today. Maybe tomorrow, hippie.

--Broadway & Bond

Overheard by: Betty Noir
via Overheard in New York, Apr 11, 2008

We're all over New York these days, it seems

Now Give Me Your Wallet

Tourist guy: You're from North Carolina. You've got that Southern charm thing going on with the, 'Hey, y'all!'
Tourist chick: Yeah, I'm real damn charming.

--TKTS line

Overheard by: Jess McGins

via Overheard in New York, Dec 9, 2007

Five will get you ten he'd just come from gawking at the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center

NewsFlash: Man Asks Directions. Scientists Baffled.

Tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to 37th Street?
Hipster: Seriously?
Tourist: Well, I'm visiting...
Hipster: Look, man... You're on 42nd Street now. Walk that way, and if the sign says 43rd Street, you're going the wrong way. Turn around and go the other way. When the numbers go down, you're going the right way.
Tourist: So, the streets are numerical.
Passerby #1: Jesus Christ!
Passerby #2: Oh, you people stop it! He didn't know there would be math on his trip to the city.

--42nd & 8th

via Overheard in New York, Dec 2, 2007

Valid question

Yuppie customer: Can we have the tasting menu?
Waitress: You eat everything?
Yuppie customer: Yeah, sure.
Waitress: Gizzard?
Yuppie customer: I'll eat the asshole if you put a tasty sauce on it.
Waitress: We don't serve assholes here.
Yuppie customer: This is New York. How do you stay in business?

--Japanese restaurant

Overheard by: The Professor via Overheard in New York, Jul 15, 2007

Sex education the old-fashioned way - on the streets

Ah, the University of Life

Little boy: I know three things about aliens. One, they don't have hair. Two, they don't have mouths. Three, they don't have privates.
20-something: Then how do you know if it's a boy or a girl alien?
Little boy: Um, they're not boys or girls. They're its... Or she-males.
20-something: Where did you learn 'she-males' from?!
Little boy: Third Avenue.

--N train

via Overheard in New York, Apr 22, 2007

Enlightened policing

Are We Going to Search Every Cup? We Are Not

St. Patty's drunk: So, wait... I was told that we aren't allowed to drink in Penn Station today, but all the vendors are selling beer. What's the deal?
Cop: Well, they shouldn't be selling it. If you are caught, you will be ticketed and--
Interrupting cop: --Dude, just put it in a paper cup! Go right there, buy that beer, and ask for that red paper Coke cup. That's all.

--Penn Station

Overheard by: Super Mike

via Overheard in New York, Apr 16, 2007

Wasn't me, I swear it.

For one thing, wrong neighborhood...

He's a Guide Dog for the Socially Impaired

Friendly old lady: Did you see the way your dog greeted me outside? Stood right up on its hind legs to say hello! Such a sweet animal!

Middle-aged computer geek: Yes, he likes to socialize. I'm working. Enjoy.

--Starbucks, Broadway & 70th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

via Overheard in New York, Dec 9, 2006