Trolling for traffic in 2006

John deVille, the Mountain Philosopher, promises to start blogging again Real Soon Now. In the meantime, in response to this post, he provided the following comment, which in my view deserves a post of its very own. Riffing off our most popular search terms, John develops the following traffic-trolling scenario:

Maybe posting this story will greatly increase your traffic in the coming year.

Kyle and Stan buy a shitty router from Cartman, who currently happens to be working at Best Buy as a crooked salesman. Being quite pissed they search the internets for a hitman, but as it turns out, the only one they can afford happens to be a retired Mexican gunfighter who happens to love cats.

With no cash to hire said hitman, Kyle and Stan steal their parents' big box discount cards to use as payment for the hit on Cartman.

Unknown to Kyle and Stan, Cartman has anticipated their wrath and has hired hitmen of his own -- a Jamaican with a spaghetti fetish and a talk-show host who is the bane of a certain naval Lt. Cmdr.

All the boys have gathered for a sleepover at Kenny's house in the ghetto. Kyle and Stan's guy is supposed to make the hit on Cartman; Cartman's thugs lay in wait in the basement for the Pancho Villa makeover.

Unfortunately for all hitmen concerned, Kenny's basement is jammed with rodents as they couldn't afford to pay for a cat. The Mexican gunfighter's cat is overwhelmed by the rodents who starts shooting, alerting Cartman's duo who also start shooting, and in typical farcical fashion, they all shoot each other.

The boys, who have been playing terrorist/Homeland Security (with Kenny wearing a fake beard designating his jihadist status), scurry to the basement to observe the source of the ruckus (and to see whose hitman was successfull). They extol Kenny to light a match in order that they could see, unaware of the gas leak in a nearby stove.

There is a huge explosion which vaporizes Kenny, who is miraculously able to stay in character as he curses his old chums with one last exhortation.

THE END